I don’t floss.
And, no matter how many dental hygienists glare at me from behind their little, baby-blue, paper masks, which undoubtedly hide scowls of disgust, will I ever change my ways. My position on flossing is nothing new, not a New Year’s resolution, nor an epiphany. For as long as I can remember I have harbored discontent towards flossing and would go as far to say that I am a staunch supporter of the underground, anti-flossing movement. In my opinion, it takes a special individual with an interest in self- mutilation, to want to wake up and cram a minty piece of string into the crevasses of their teeth. Often, these individuals are shocked when their gums respond by bleeding. Then, these individuals reason that “I must not be flossing enough!” No my friends, you aren’t flossing enough. In fact, I can tell by your charming, blood-stained, smile that you need to step up your flossing to three times a day. Even better, your dentist recommends that you trade in your floss for a used shoe-lace; that will surely make your pearly-whites more attractive. So, to all you anxious, gap-toothed, floss wielding masses of the world- while you are busy shunning me for my lack of concern towards dental hygiene I am out buying Skittles and Pixy Sticks for your children to binge on. Happy Halloween. Suckers.